Welcome to another contribution to the wildly popular Top Ten Tuesday hosted by The Broke and The Bookish. This week they ask us to share lists on the following:
December 20: Ten Books I Wouldn’t Mind Santa Leaving Under My Tree (or non-book bookworm items)
As you might have guessed I’m going to be straying from the suggested post this week.
Yesterday I was diagnosed with Uterine Cancer. I debated about sharing this on my blog it is very personal after all and not book related. I have decided to go public with this in hopes of helping others become aware and be tested themselves. I also believe it will be therapeutic to talk about what I am going through. When we hide from what scares us fear wins. When we discuss and share we find strength and take power away from fear. I might start a new blog for this or occasionally post off-topic posts here.
Anyways, with the diagnosis I received yesterday it simply didn’t feel right to create a wish list for books this year. Not that I wouldn’t love to receive some highly coveted reading material, but right now my head simply isn’t there (Also, when I tried to type this up over the weekend I couldn’t find one single book to put on this list, I’ve bought them already…) So below you will find a list of hopes I have for the coming weeks as I venture into unknown territory.
Ten gifts I hope to receive this Christmas
- Time: I think this is fairly obvious. I want more time. More time with my husband. More time to read. More time to live in this life I have built.
- Smooth surgery and quick recovery: I am alright with losing my uterus. It is, after all, an organ I wasn’t planning on using. The idea of surgery, however, scares the crap out of me. Simply the idea of someone putting me under against my will is an idea that terrifies me, it always has. To lose control and put yourself in another’s hands is something I’m going to have to come to terms with pretty damn quick. I also hope that my recovery is quick as my family consists of two people and my husband is going to be burdened with much over the next few weeks while I can’t help out. Also, we are dependent on my paycheck, if I’m not working I’m not being paid.
- Strength: When I went public with this on Facebook over and over people have told me I am a strong person, one of the strongest they know. I appreciate their sentiment but I don’t see it. I have always felt that I am one of the weakest people I know. I have the art of worry down to a science and constantly stress over what can go wrong next. When I lost my mother, to a car accident, at a young age I learned fairly quickly that sometimes everything isn’t alright. Some things can’t be undone. I’m not trying to be fatalistic here, simply realistic. There are a lot of unknowns right now and I don’t handle unknown very well. I wish for the strength that others seem to believe I already possess.
- Love: I do believe in positive energy, even if I’m not religious. I wish for the continued love and support from my family and friends. I wish for those that I love to be alright, even if I’m not.
- Luck: I also believe in luck and have always considered myself a lucky person. I wish for that luck to continue. I hope that I was lucky enough to catch this early. I hope that I was lucky enough to catch this before it spread.
- Patience: I wish for patience as I move forward. Patience to wait for my next doctor’s appointment, I am not their only patient after all. Patience in recover so I don’t try to push things too quickly in order to return to work. Patience so that I can do what is right and not rush into a bad decision.
- Compassion: Compassion for my husband who is also going through this. Compassion for others that have a far worse diagnosis than myself. Compassion for myself and the permission to feel what I am feeling without shame.
- Awareness: I wish for awareness for this and all cancers. I wish for others to be more pro-active than I was and seek regular check-ups so that issues like cancer can be detected and treated early.
- Trust: I wish for trust in my doctors to save my life. I wish for trust in my husband to keep our lives running smoothly. I wish for trust in the community where I live to help my husband and I out when we need them. I wish for my trust to not be betrayed as well.
- Peace and optimism: Most of all I wish for peace of mind to know what is coming is something I can handle. I wish for peace to accept my diagnosis and predicament. I wish for peace for my husband who also worried right now. Optimism so that I may stay positive and find that inner strength so I can get better.
There you have my list for the week. I hope you don’t find it offensive but I did find it rather cathartic. I’m just in the beginning of this journey and I don’t know what to expect. Cancer is something I’ve always tried to avoid thinking about out of fear. Now I can’t avoid it any longer. I have cancer. Like millions of other people. I hope that I will be alright but I simply cant’ say right now. All I can say is that I do not want to die so I will do whatever I can to prevent that from happening. Thank you for listening. Thank you for letting me share. Please if you are a woman have yearly pelvic exams. I did not, and hopefully I was lucky enough to catch this early. I don’t know yet, but please it is important to be screened. I’ve been told this is one of the easiest cancers to treat if caught early, so please take care of yourself. The people who love you will be grateful.