Today I lost someone I loved.

*This is going to be a non-bookish post.

Today I lost someone I loved.  Someone that came the closest I will ever have to an actual child.  Someone that was my best friend.  I woke to find my cat Attilla, Tilla for short, paralyzed from the waist down.  I knew it wasn’t good.  Called the vet and then made my husband drive us because I knew I wouldn’t be safe to operate a vehicle.  Arrived at the vet and of course it wasn’t good news.  She had a heart condition, a coronary thrombosis broke loose early this morning and she had an embolism.  As he explained all that had happen to my baby I knew it meant one thing.  Today I lose my best friend.  I interrupted him and said “I have to put her down don’t I.”  “It would be best” he replied, “She was in a tremendous amount of pain and there would be little or no recovering.” I scooped her up and clung to her as they made preparations. Sign the paperwork, no I want to take her home, I don’t need a box and I will remain in the room.  I sent my husband out to pay the bill and held my girl as they took her from me. Carried her home and buried her in the pasture where she loved to hunt.  I haven’t stopped crying since.

I’m sitting here in shock because it was so sudden.  I need to processes this fast because life goes on.  It isn’t fair to the animals that remain to suffer while I mourn.  I still need to go to work and next week I am going to my  college’s homecoming, its my classes honor year celebration 20 years.  I sit here typing this with kittens on my lap because I don’t want to be alone, yet I don’t want to be around people.  I know she was a cat, and I have lost many before and there will be plenty to come.  Tilla was special.  Tilla was my favorite.  She truly was my best friend.  The one being on this planet that I know loved me above all others.  My cuddle kitty, who always went to sleep curled up under my arm.  She would insist.  Pawing at me if I didn’t let her in, under the covers of course.  I dread tonight when I go to sleep alone…  I’ve known many pets and loved them all in some way or another but every once in a while there is a special bond.  That one soul that connects with you on a deeper level.  The ones that can’t be replaced.  Today I lost someone who I had that special bond with and it broke my heart.  I will eventually be able to function again but I will never get over Tilla.

She has been in my life since she was four weeks old.  My brother brought her and her two siblings, only her sister remains, to come be barn cats after their mother was killed by a car.  I raised them and when her sister was hit by a car and had her leg in a cast I moved them both into the house (I had already lost their brother) and they became house cats.  Tilla chose me.   I didn’t stand a chance, she wormed her way into my heart and today she took a piece of it with her.

So today I say good-bye and know I did the right thing.  It wasn’t easy or fair, but it was compassionate.  I found the strength to say good-bye instead of holding on for selfish reasons out of love.  She is not in pain.  She is free.  I will move on all the while crying at everything that reminds me of her.  I will let love in again I can’t help it, even if it means more days like this in my future.  Because this is one painful day and all the days of joy she brought me so vastly out-weigh it in the end.  Love is worth the price.

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